Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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