I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
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I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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