I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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