DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize