I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
