so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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