What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
