so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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