Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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