i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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