worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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