i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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