I think I died a long time ago.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
