I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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