so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
