his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
