I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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