Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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