he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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