Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
