If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
