I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Welp...herpes.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
