I just gift wrapped bread.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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