so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need to sanitize my soul.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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