he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
