I think I am morally bankrupt
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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