you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
