Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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