Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
