she woke up with a sticky ear
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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