I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
