I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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