so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
