She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
