Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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