There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Do vagina's smell?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
