i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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