i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My liver is preforming stress tests.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
