sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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