I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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