Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
