Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
