Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
