new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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