You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
