Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
