in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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