where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
What a dumb baby whore.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
