So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
