on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
