I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
