My hair reeks of homosexuality.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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