the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
