just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
