If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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