Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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