So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He is an equal opportunity slut.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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