May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
