A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
