I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
