someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
