The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
