On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
