I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
