I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
